He Said / She Said

Fireproof Your Marriage

Based on “The Love Dare” by Stephen & Alex Kendrick

He Said / She Said

Objective: Recognize and appreciate the God-designed differences between men and women, as well as their roles in marriage.

Genesis 1:27 & Genesis 5:2

Why do you think God chose to deliberately make the two sexes different?

Men, what do you like about Women?  Women, what do you like about Men?

Ephesians 5:21-23

What one word in verse 33 characterizes how a husband should treat his wife?

What one word in verse 33 describes how a wife should treat her husband?

The passage affirms that God creates us male and female – two different creations.  As our Creator, He clearly understands how the sexes are different and what our needs are.  How closely do you feel God’s commands match up with the needs of men and women?

Psalm 139:13-16

What does this passage say about God’s knowledge of us?

Proverbs 15:1 and Ephesians 4:29

What do these passages teach about the importance of communication and using our words to “build up” our spouse?

_________________________________________________

HOT QUESTIONS

WOMEN

What would make you feel most loved if said by your husband?  Why?

___ “It sounds like you had a stressful day today.  Would you like to talk about it?  What happened?

___ “I really like that new haircut.  It makes you look very pretty.”

___ (In response to you calling him at work, sounding very upset and asking to talk with him.)  “I have some people in my office, but I want to hear what’s wrong.  Hold on just a minute, and I’ll get to a place we can talk privately.”

___ “Those boxes are really heavy.  Here, let me get them for you.”

This time, check the ones that would make you feel most unloved.  Why?

___ “I know your birthday is tomorrow, but I’ve been really busy.  Here, you can take the credit card and spend 50 bucks on yourself.”

___ “I heard John’s wife went to that new fitness class and lost 10 pounds.  Why don’t you go check it out – it might make you feel better about yourself.”

___ “When are you going to clean up this house? It’s a mess.”

___ “Can’t you see I’m in the middle of watching the game?  You’re always wanting to talk about something when I’m trying to relax.”

MEN

What would make you feel most respected if said by your wife?  Why?

___ “The garage door opener doesn’t seem to be working correctly and I know you’re better at understanding mechanical things.  Would you take a look at it?”

___ “My husband took the kids out to the park yesterday to give me a break.  He’s really great about giving me the breaks I need.”

___ “That’s great that you got a raise at work.  You’ve earned it.”

___ “I’m having a hard time with my co-worker – he has been undermining me with my boss.  What do you think I should do?”

This time, check the ones that would make you feel least respected.  Why?

___ “You’re not really a fix-it kind of guy – don’t you think you should call someone to repair that?”

___ “When are you going to start being responsible and quit spending so much time on that dream of starting your own business?”

___ “Last night, it took my husband three hours to figure out how to get the new computer working.  Technical things are not really his strength.”

___ “When are you going to start making more money at work?  We really need to have more income to get all these bills paid.”

_________________________________________________

FIREPROOFING AT HOME APPLICATION – Luke 6:41-42

Fireproof Rule of Engagement: As we struggle in the marriage relationship, we may find ourselves blaming one another for our negative experience.  As you share together, remember that the behavior you can most effectively change is your own.

Resist the urge to point fingers at one another.  Focus on finding and correcting your own flaws so you can personally become more like Christ; this will diffuse anger and ease conflict.

FIREPROOFING FOR WOMEN

1 Peter 3:1-9

Consider Caleb’s comments about Catherine’s lack of respect.  Do you see any similarities in your marriage?

Consider your spouse’s answers to the questions about how he experiences respect.  What did you learn about his feelings and needs?

Ephesians 4:2-9

On the scale below mark how frequently you use words that “build up” or support your spouse.

Very Infrequently         Infrequently          Neutral          Frequently          Very Frequently

What specific ways will you limit “unwholesome talk” and instead “build up” your spouse?  Commit to taking those steps this week.

FIREPROOFING FOR MEN

1 Peter 3:7-9

Think about some of the issues Catherine had with her husband Caleb.  Do you see any similarities in your marriage?  Explain. Consider your spouse’s answers to the questions about feeling loved.  What did you learn about her feelings and needs?

James 1:19

On a scale of 1 to 5 (with 1 being low and 5 being high) mark how well and how often you feel you listen to your spouse.

1               2               3               4               5

What are some specific ways you can become a better listener?  Commit to taking those steps this week.

_________________________________________________

FIREPROOFING FOR COUPLES

Open your time together with prayer, asking God to give you wisdom as well as a receptive heart and mind.

Ephesians 5:21-33

Take turns sharing your thoughts about this passage.  What phrases or ideas stood out to you?

Share your answers to the Fireproofing for Men and Women sections on respect and love.  Do any of your spouse’s answers surprise you?  Ask questions; clarify anything your partner finds confusing.

Men – share a few ways in which your partner can best show you respect.

Women – share a few ways in which your partner can best show love and understanding.

Take turns sharing a trait you especially appreciate in one another.

_________________________________________________

THE LOVE DARE

DAILY DARE & JOURNALING

Day 1 – Love is Patient

Scripture: Ephesians 4:2, Proverbs 14:29, Proverbs 15:18, 1 Thessalonians 5:15 & James 1:19

Dare: The first part of this dare is fairly simple.  Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart.  For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all.  If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything.  It’s better to hold your tongue than to say something you’ll regret.

Reflect: Did anything happen today to cause anger toward your mate?  Were you tempted to think disapproving thoughts and to let them come out in words?

Day 2 – Love is Kind

Scripture: Ephesians 4:32, Proverbs 3:3-4, Proverbs 31:26 & Proverbs 19:22

Dare: In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

Reflect: What discoveries about love did you make today?  What specifically did you do in this dare?  How did you show kindness?

Day 3 – Love is Not Selfish

Scripture: Romans 12:10, 1 Corinthians 13:5, Philippians 2:3 & James 3:16

Dare: Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you.  It’s hard to care for something you are not investing in.  Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, “I was thinking of you today.”

Reflect: What did you choose to give your spouse?  What happened when you gave it?

Day 4 – Love is Thoughtful

Scripture: Psalm 139:17-18, Genesis 2:18 & Philippians 1:3

Dare: Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day.  Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.

Reflect: What did you learn about yourself or your spouse by doing this today?  How could this become a more natural, routine, and genuinely helpful part of your lifestyle?

Day 5 – Love is Not Rude

Scripture: Proverbs 27:14, Proverbs 25:24, Psalm 112:5, Luke 6:31 & Ecclesiastes 10:12

Dare: Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you.  You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior.  This is from their perspective only.

Reflect: What things did your spouse point out about you that need your attention?  How did you handle hearing it?  What do you plan to do to improve these areas?

Day 6 – Love is Not Irritable

Scripture: Proverbs 16:32, Colossians 3:12-14, Philippians 4:6-7, Exodus 18:17-23, Proverbs 25:16, Matthew 12:34, James 4:1-3, Ephesians 4:31, 1 Timothy 6:9-10 & Acts 24:16

Dare: Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation.  Begin by making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule.  Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.

Reflect: Where do you need to add margin to your life?  When have you recently overreacted?  What was your real motivation behind it?  What decisions have you made today?

Day 7 – Love Believes the Best

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 13:7 & Philippians 4:8

Dare: For today’s dare, get two sheets of paper.  On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse.  Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet.  Place both sheets in a secret place for another day.  There is a different purpose and plan for each.  At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank you spouse for having this characteristic.

Reflect: Which list was easier to make?  What did this reveal about your thoughts?  What attribute did you thank your spouse for having?